The Land of Conjurors

I was at the restaurant having dinner with my classmate. In the middle of chatting, I overheard of a song called "Kinky Love." At that time, I was not sure where I had heard this kind of melody before; however, I was enamored by its melody and the singer's tone. It was like dreaming in dream while you were in reality but remained awake. Besides, the tone of this song sounds like a French lady's. And then it seems that I have remembered where this melody comes from. It derives from one complete CD which my best friend lend me in my junior high school. Long time ago that I recalled the memory I had in junior high school while enjoying the music of this song in delightful mood. This song could be released for me when facing a great burden of my assignment during the period of study and loads of exams somehow. I was so excited that soon I checked this song after returning home, finding that this song actually is derived from British alternative rock band, Pale Saints , th

Sometimes I still cannot trust myself doing assignment or presentations. It seems that I need to grap many kinds of things to pacify me with musics or resources so forth. Nonetheless, this is not what I really want. I beg myself not to do so because it just hurts me and I will be more languishing than before, that's all. Sometimes I question myself for why I study this stuff, but it seems that I am still care about the teachers' expectation and others' judgment. The big Other can hardly remove as always. It seems that it's hard to delve into the inner desire and even to reveal it easily. But I deeply know that I am giving myself pressure than before, with a loosen mind that can barely tighten up but remain in languishment, and push myself to keep going on doing the research without any delightful mood. Such a languishment, pathetically, derives from me in no way to return. I miss the one who was intensely creative most of the time.

Recently I just get lost and don't have any clue for where I can head for. My thinking tends to be more simple than before, I confess. Every time I feel I almost burst out crying, and thinking perhaps I am no longer the clever person in others' sight. However, the truth is that, this is my destiny, my only plan that perhaps God made me for who I am. And I can't help questioning all these inferiority drawn from me. This is unfair since I would like to do my own way of behavior and thinking. But why there is always lots of difficulties? I don't even know. What do you want me to do? I can even conceive a distinct theme on my topic of graduate thesis, ok, this one seems to far to discuss right now. But I can hardly confront the class which I have been taken at the moment. No matter how hard I try, it seems there are no such gleams of light shine at me. I perceive an enormous hole deepened without the bottom at the end of exploration at all but the eddying circling round and

I know there is a mistreatment over there, perhaps I can just do it my own way because I only learn Derrida's idea and no more relationship among teachers. That is the most simple thing for a student, isn't it? Perhaps I have asked for more of that. First of all, I should get rid of the thought of being in love with certain assumed relationship by me. This is a very terrible assumption for my symptom. Assuming that others will fall into the certain relationship with me, I unconsciously plunge into the eddy unexpected without taking any further thought. The dangerous connection, the hidden mental state and the spark igniting are those horrible testimonies by heart. Oh, god, how can I escape from all these crisis? I don't even know. With such terrible assumption, there is no longer a disguised way of talk or behavior for an individual in appearance but the struggle circling to and fro, getting no where to make a halt. Assuming that I can stop function this weird struggle but

It is so difficult to change the stereotype of some certain thing. When I listen to some Korean songs, I am more serious than usual. Others might think that I am kidding, and it's funny that I post their songs for entertaining. Nevertheless, no one will try to perceive the meaning of songs, no matter in lyrics or melodies. I wonder why they are reluctant to do so since they scarcely know the Korean song or even its singers. To my annoyance, I suppose to do some studies about the imitation of G-Dragon. However, it seems that everything has been screwed already for the destined recognition or firm position from the public. Another thing happens after I read Richard Yate's one of short stories.The first one describes a boy who is an orphan and gets less attention from class. Therefore, the teacher tries to help and get involved in boy's predicament in class. With teacher's assistance, the boy assumes that he can be truly realized from the teacher and believes that the tea

Today, we win at last, but things change too fast as we have expected. I am not sure whether Mr. Chen has a great power to take turn of the problem my friend had encountered. He replies to my friend, saying that he will persuade the candidate before her into giving up the enrollment. The letter was sent this morning, and my friend received the reply this afternoon, so the dealing time was quite fast for waiting merely couples of hours. Fortunately, the result is what we expect, which my friend can back to the school again. It seems to be a good news, but who knows whether there will be other horrible intervention in this problem. Just wish things could go easily and smoothly for my friend's plan.

Dear Lucas, I don't get this world enough. Why, there is still a rule existing firmly in our mental side and even can turn people to be willful as conducting things on their own way. How can I help my friend with her permission to enter the graduate school? Everything becomes so obscure and desperate. We made this rule and then fall into its eddy, isn't it ridiculous somehow? The rule shows everything which you can hardly confront with ultimately and must gradually shrink back to the way you were. And the consequence will tell you, nothing has been changed 'cause you have to follow the discipline of everything. Oh, God, I wish I could know this better, but I did not. Perhaps I always imagine that everything will turn back to the brightness and goodness, but I always deserve other suggestions. Dear Lucas, I have been learning a good many things, you know? But sometimes I just can't easily face the truth of this society or the ugliness emerged from some certain instituti

It seems that I have seen you envy those guys with eagerness as you wish you could be. And I should realize that things shall not work this way. Something should be changed somehow. You should know it better as much as you can. It is kind of you wish to be someone and write something well or even better, but that is not you, to be honest. Why, I should know that it does not suit you anymore, to better the mind and the whole soul being. I click the close window of "that pages" without any regret for being the person like he or her because I can do my better own way and no longer be bothered by you. To be reasonable acutely and extremely sentimental perhaps lead me to disaster in darkness, but I have no objection to give hindrance to my characters. It begins when I notice your messages are all about the shadow from professors, and your way of thinking clings to some certain theorists. If I can see through you earlier, I should know you clearly and thoroughly without any doubt.

Is it any chance that he can back to the track he was? He looks at himself with blind eyes, considering if there is a chance in his face that may turn him around. But he can hardly find one to continue its own way. His tears are falling upon his cold look, and he tries to brew tears as hard as he can. Exhausted as he is now, he still picks up the phone immediately, but he answers the phone with his languid voice. What he had heard lies no echo over there but merely the silence moving along. Such silence that he acutely perceives remains an empty bottle. Again the peace comes to him, but it appears that this time he feels less pain and struggle of anguish.  He calls it the peace, but I don't think so. A peace without a peaceful mind, crawling everywhere on his body and then his head, waiting for the next meeting with volcano, preparing himself for erupting his so-called "peaceful mask."

This may perhaps the simplest and purest relationship among us. No relationship of love, hatred and indifference. We all had a great time, truly, and we even can have it without a word. This will be very precious for the memory of my graduate school. To be honest, I feel I have changed somehow, believe it or not. But I have try to face the predicament as I take this trip and found out my real problem. The true thing is not that I learn to talk to others or stay with them with responsibility and necessity but that the easement to me and peace in my mind emerge with natural existence. For this reason, I feel less fear than before, not all are gone, but comfortable as I stay in the way I have. This time, it seems that I have somewhat perceived what Lucas does, and I feel grateful for what I have with all these things around me. I have opened my mind for so many things and met some special friends. Actually I kind of feel touched. Something you can hardly tell me in a minute and in a certa

When coming to school for work, I still imagine that R is there. And I may bump into her somehow. There is something between us, I know, and I surely hope she knows that. Recently, I dream her figure, and she suddenly turns me down for everything I want. I'm not sure if it my problem or my unconsciousness that makes her to do so. After having this dream, I kind of feeling depressed and can hardly move on my way of life. Something in me tells me that I will not give up facing her. With my weird character, yes, there are so many things we can both work on, which I truly believe. Furthermore, I keep processing my studies from a variety of information on web and books, keeping my steps catching the level of R. But there are all my wishes to be improved on my own way somehow. In addition to this, I kind of getting tired of doing the work of administration since I can merely doing things for some trifles and always check the information of number, time and schedule. To be honest, I had a

I had a bad dream that is something to do with R. I wish she will not forget me somehow. I feel bad when I think of her in school. It's weird that I know more about myself through getting along with her. I have not made my decision to choose my adviser. Perhaps I am still struggling with professor's research realm that may affect my paper in the future. Still have some moment to wait until the consequence, and now I am just in the middle of it, taking my time to explore some other theories and writers who are rarely studied by academics. Suddenly I think I am quite interested in man. What I mean is that, I kind of being aware of some people with their stories in life, their emotions with rises and falls and their transformation in each level for the journey in lifetime. I am not sure whether it is the feeling that I just have gone through my grandma's funeral or not; nonetheless, the exploration of man always keeps me in an excitatory state. R is one of the men whom I'd

It seemed to be an ordinary day. In the morning, I sat in the breakfast shop enjoying my breakfast with lovely moment. I changed my position, keeping sight of my motorcycle for not being broken or stolen by others. But somehow my sight further focused on the near restaurant with delicate adornment. It was adorned with Hello Kitty-style and furnishes the house in pink color. Nonetheless, this restaurant looked peculiar standing on this street since people here mostly wore their sandal, t-shirt or sun glasses for their vacations. The restaurant therefore was unsuitable for the locality. Subsequently, a staff of four pushed the door, walking out and standing in a shape of line, and they seemed to count the number altogether for bowing to the road with their words of “welcome to our restaurant!” Like a robot with the same gesture, one of them seems to be the leader for giving orders to the rest of them. After voicing the words, they walked into the door in decent manner. Their performance

Sometimes I still think of her, trying to forget her being but I can hardly do that. It is so weird that I seem to be haunted by her being. Hard to escape immediately. It is wrong to imagine her as my mother or some other person related to my closer friend. Something seems to be undone and suspended over there. Today I heard the teacher said that the society is like this kind of situation, so be it. I don't think it will lie in this way. Yeah, it appears that the society should remain in the condition of deceitfulness. The reason is people's character, the teacher's character, which is so simpleminded and honesty. I don't think she tries to doubt it or even opposes the troubles she encounters. So just let it be and does nothing. Her manner will affect the students unconsciously. Perhaps she feels that it is helplessly to change the situation at present. And she will mutely accept it as she thinks. Perhaps, for me, there is still a problem. And I don't think it is a

Learning, this word seems to be a simple thing; however, sometimes I feel hard to practice it appropriately somehow. Learning varies. Hanging over with friends, taking a stroll with window shopping and buying clothes with good bargain are all sorts of learning too. These things actually help us learn how to connect to the society because we will see the diverse phenomenon throughout these processes. And it leads us to another field to discuss this part. The clothes also vary with different styles such as Korean or Japanese styles, but we can hardly see that there is any styles for Taiwan. It's so weird. And it is common for the public accept the dressing in Korean or Japanese style or whatever it is. We go out to buy clothes for picking out a good one which is suitable for our body or arouses our interest for its color, form or style. This is the unusual time we come across. Nonetheless, the clothes can be merely the artwork by dressing nobody.  It can just show itself with individ

A very interesting topic in today's lecture shows that how the vulnerability displays in social position. This topic, in my opinion, lies in the fact of ideology, which is like the common sense recognized by the public. Nowadays, the ideology is apt to promote the positive character and the revelation of confidence for an individual. Most people regard the vulnerable person as a reflect of shock, fear and coward etc. It is therefore useless to cope with the needs of society in terms of the vulnerability. Or we might say the vulnerable people lack the access to resource in the current life, staying the old-fashioned way in his or her living. Such a consideration falls into everybody's mind and can hardly be gotten rid of in the reality. What I mean is that, this society tries to make sense of the practical benefit in understanding this point, it is like that fear or shock do no good in human nature, perhaps one should change his character into more positive and confident and the

Everything becomes vague and untrustful since he tries to post a variety of links on his own. How many times I tried to defend myself in the past times. However, it seems that it can hardly be worked at present. The question is that, is she trustful? I doubt it. She at least can pay less attention to it and show her ignorance to it. And if necessarily, she would like to praise his dedication and contribution without any contemplation. To be nice and kind to everybody, there is really somebody over there, indeed, believe it or not. Brotherhood doesn't suit me, honestly. Because you try not to offend others, try not to displease your family members. Oh, gosh, most horrible behavior and flattered disposition ever! Sometimes I think that her uniqueness shall be, none of everything but endow something without any uniqueness. Pathetic, truly. This kind of person doesn't know how to reject, which means that she does not have any sense or consciousness of showing her rejection and her

It seems to be hard at first, but I hope everything will get through with it. Don't know if he still recognize me on line; however, I will pay more attention to his latest news and mood. And the afternoon, I decide to contact with the tutor institution for getting a part-job. To be a tutor is a not bad idea. The wage is higher than other normal jobs, and the working hours may be less than the normal one. Perhaps two hours a day for one week. Besides that, I make my own decision to take the case of senior high school student. At the beginning, I intend to choose junior high, but the place can scarcely suit me. This time, a place where is quite near the place I stay catches my eyes. Though it is senior high student, maybe I can challenge more and learn more together. I know the English from senior high school is quite difficult, but if this time I can take it as an opportunity to make use of it, I wish I could make a good progress for my studies as well. So today I called the student

Recently I've been retrospecting so many things such as my life in Taichung, especially the moment with Lucas and all of my severe studies. Also, the thing of company, of affection and of enjoyment. Something like this. Perhaps I still don't know how to cope with the life at present. Few days ago, I watched the live show of The Vaccines on Youtube. They are the new age of British indie rock band. As I search the vocal of the band, Justin Young, saying that if everybody all regards themselves as beautiful one, it seems that we may live more easier and happier. I kind of agree with him but the reality shows impossibility, haha. If so, there will no more desire and fantasy perhaps. My life, now, is not beautiful. Physically and mentally. I am not satisfied with my life at present. Tracing back to the life I have makes me feel better. Everyday I still wondering why I stay here so long. Someone in particular is located in Taichung, and you are totally in a wrong place! But I try my

Loss is not the situation that you simply lose something. For me, loss is like something you can hardly pay attention to think of someone or something in particular. Therefore, there are no intentional sorrow when you lose something or someone. I think it is more like something is lost in the progress when you are into some other thing. The intrinsic affection plays the essential role in loss for human relationship since it not only connects each other but also draw them together most of the time. Something has lost when you are unaware of them, taking no heed of your relationship with others even though others exist. Perhaps others exist in other realm, and there are something truthful that binds you and others; however, you seem not to discover that. Independence ought not to be put in this situation at present. Please show your judgement to me in a proper time. My feeling, peculiarly, tends to care about the relationship for both sides rather than mere individual. In my opinion, l