In Languishing State

Sometimes I still cannot trust myself doing assignment or presentations. It seems that I need to grap many kinds of things to pacify me with musics or resources so forth. Nonetheless, this is not what I really want. I beg myself not to do so because it just hurts me and I will be more languishing than before, that's all. Sometimes I question myself for why I study this stuff, but it seems that I am still care about the teachers' expectation and others' judgment. The big Other can hardly remove as always. It seems that it's hard to delve into the inner desire and even to reveal it easily. But I deeply know that I am giving myself pressure than before, with a loosen mind that can barely tighten up but remain in languishment, and push myself to keep going on doing the research without any delightful mood. Such a languishment, pathetically, derives from me in no way to return. I miss the one who was intensely creative most of the time.

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