Unknowing for J.

We are hugely intense. The intensity of feeling marks nothing about what we have felt but is more about how we are feeling of something or someone. If J had asked us why we still chose Lucas, J would not believe me for all the things I have gone through. He always stuttered before we talk. Or, we can never say a word. For all your life at present, you seem to cause lots of faults that are invisible and then choose to hide the truth about our feeling for Lucas. But we would find that J flutters as if he discovers us right there in a spontaneous moment. The serendipity whirls him that made him stand alone from us. As J caught you just like a flycatcher, you could never escape from his eyes. It would be better if we are with J even though we still chose Lucas at last. J chose to bless me after the graduation ceremony as both of us deeply know this is the last time to say goodbye. J is the one I truly admire. He is very good at film industry and composing. He almost knows everything of how to criticize social issues and entertainment. I am nothing but a fool, which I still don't know why J would fall in love with me. Of course Lucas belongs to another proficiency. Sometimes people might ask us why we still choose Lucas. I would tell them that it is perhaps the love we are intensely feeling when falling in love with Lucas, the winding road of never being reached so far. Perhaps J never knows that as if he should be the last one to know. Or, why does he have to know? To be honest at times I miss J as fulfilling my desire of material love, but I know it is all we have chosen. This time I wish J well but strongly desire the love from him. J would not know, but if he knows my desire of him, he might feel warm and happy about it. A glimpse of hope emerges a bit if a least love exudes as we almost fall in love with each other. But deeply I know, the deepest love is stolen from Lucas. It is the love of never being together, and unfortunately I still choose this one. This is all we have chosen, and we absolutely bear them. But J, thank you for showing us a way out. Perhaps I am not truly well-prepared to be your girlfriend, and I feel so sorry. I believe you deserve a better one in the future, the one absolutely better than me.